I’ve been a bit slack of late. Since dental surgery a few weeks ago, my diet hasn’t been that great as I try to find things to eat that doesn’t cause more injury or harm- it’s quite difficult! Along with it, I’ve been terrible at the fitness side of things. Not sure if the weather has played a part, which honestly is terrible coming from me who works from home, I should be more active, but I’m not.
I want it to be known though that whilst my body has quirks, I do love my body. It’s been through a lot and I love what it’s done for me. It worked hard for 9 crazy months to produce the most wonderful little being ever, who I adore more than anything. I know it won’t bounce back to pre-pregnancy and I’m ok with that. Possibly making me the most body positive I’ve been ever in my life. I’m trying to lose weight. I don’t need to lose loads but my tummy area needs a bit of toning up and I’d like my chest size to be smaller than what it is for the sake of my back mainly. It aches a lot and it would also be nice to find bras in most shops rather than having to venture online because my bra size is more in the + section.
I’ve worked from home since last July and whilst I am active, I’m not active enough. I’m not overweight or out of breath a lot or in no way obese, but this extra weight is a bit of a burden. I eat vegetables, I eat the odd fruit but not enough. I know I don’t drink enough water either, which is a problem. I should and I know I don’t. My back is aching far more than it should at the moment and whilst my dental pain is a struggle, I shouldn’t be feeling so up and down with everything and some days I don’t have much energy at all. For a 33yo mum of one, that shouldn’t be a problem. I should be fitter, healthier and feel better in myself. Besides, Emily is incredibly active so I should be more active with her out and about.
This extra weight is mainly focused around my tummy and chest. Amazingly I put on the weight in all those places but my ass which would have been a nice bonus, but no, boobs and tum for me. I have clothes in my wardrobe I swore I’d be back into within the year of having Emily but now it’s mainly leggings, oversized jumpers and t-shirts. I want to change the way I look and it’s ok to. I’ve seen friends bounce back to their pre-pregnancy bodies and look great and I feel like I’ve missed a trick somewhere. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes think I look great but other days I think, Dan you could look so much better if your tummy wasn’t this fat. I have pictures of my 20-something self with a flat tum and reminisce of the days when I was thinner and think if I could be thinner, how much more active i would be with Emily and how much more interested Sam would be in me. He says he loves me the way I am, but can’t help thinking how much different it would be if I was 2 stone lighter. I’ve been lazy and it’s ok to admit it.
My self confidence hasn’t completely gone. I can still dress myself up well and wear make up and feel ok about myself but I want to be more body positive. I don’t want to forever feel that I can’t look better. I need to get out of this lazy feeling. I need to stop being unhealthy. There are clothes I want to buy, outfits I’d love to wear and lingerie that I’d like to feel sexy in without worrying that it can’t cover my tummy. I want to wear clothes that enhance my figure not drown me out. I don’t necessarily feel beautiful. I feel ok but not the real me. I don’t want to feel sluggish, lazy and unhealthy. I want to feel better about myself, confident, glowing and powerful.
The thing is, I’ve allowed myself to get here and only I can get myself back. I know I snack a lot, I know I drink too much tea, have the odd chocolate and don’t eat enough vegetables and fruit or even eat enough fish. This is all my fault. I don’t have an excuse beyond being lazy. This isn’t my natural shape. This is probably the biggest I’ve ever been in my whole 33 years. So I really have no excuse. I need to get my act together and do something now.
I need to eat well, I need to get back into a routine of exercise. This time last year I was waking up in the morning and shaking my arse to Scarlett Moffatt’s workout dvd. I should be doing that now. There is so much body positivity online, on instagram, on Facebook, Twitter, and I should be part of the movement rather than saying I’ll do it “Monday,” because Monday comes and goes and I still don’t do it. It’s pathetic really. I’m my own worst enemy. They’re so many great men and women who’ve got to where they are by working hard and are rewarding themselves of looking bloody amazing and sharing it with the world. They look awesome, so if they can do it, why can’t I?
So I am changing it.
I’m changing my whole outlook to this. I have to. Not for Sam, not for Emily, not for anyone apart from me. I need to for my sanity. I need to embrace my skin, my body and my attitude to my mind. My body deserves to be healthy, well looked after and feel positive. I don’t need to lose tonnes of weight, I don’t need to be a skinny Minnie, I just need to feel better about myself. I just want to be comfortable again and feel like me again. I shouldn’t let my body suffer because I’m lazy. I should love my body and look after it, I mean there’s only one of me. If I don’t do something now, with just a little under a week before Emily’s 2nd Birthday, then I know I’ll be complaining about it in years to come.
Hopefully in months to come, the new year will bring a healthier me. I won’t be much different just healthier, happier.