Throughout the past 8 months losing weight has been at the forefront of my mind. I need to lose weight, even though there really hasn’t been much of a rush apart from our oncoming holiday in September, besides that Sam says I don’t need to rush and well, I don’t but society, the press and some old fart here and there think I look pregnant again, so I should really move myself move. So, for the first 6 months of Emily’s life, I did the one thing I said I wouldn’t do – weigh myself. Nothing is more depressing than thinking you’ve lost weight when you haven’t. Since labour day I have lost 8lbs. I have gone lost a full 13lbs (that bastard lb off a stone laughing in my face, prick) and go up again and down by 5lbs on and off since. That’s shit. In the beginning, my diet was terrible as I struggled to grip the reality of potentially no sleep, a continuous cycle of midnight feeds, crazy sleeping patterns and whatever in between and even with all those cycles monitored and sleep on a better path, the one thing that’s ruined me since pregnancy is, snacking. That crappy part of your mind that tells you you need that extra hobnob, chocolate bar or brownie even though you’ve scoffed most of the pack/tin/cupboard.
So a few months ago, I thought to myself this could be dealt with. I’m going to be working from home soon and what better way to fight off that muffin top than to shake my bass to a fitness DVD. And not just any fitness DVD, GoggleBox’s fav funny woman (if the nation still loves her after winning I’m a Celeb – it was predictable, what…?!), Scarlett Moffat. Now here’s the thing, in my whole adulting life I have never and would never consider succumbing to the world of fitness DVDs because let’s be honest, they’re a load of shit. Hear me out… whilst Scarlett stands in front of some scales, crying about her weight and the shock of how she’s got there, although real to everyone out there, she didn’t do this fitness DVD for fun, she did it all for the money. No one knows the exact sum she got paid for jumping around in a room with a sweaty fitness trainer, but she’s roughly made £1 million since winning last years I’m a Celeb, so a couple hundred thousand, at least, oh and Universal are plugging it, so, that’s a bit of a big deal, right?
So I bought the DVD, all £14.99 of it from HMV and thought to myself these main reasons for the big decision:
- I can’t get to the gym
- If Scarlett Moffat can do it, fuck it so can I?
- It’s only 10-15 mins a day, what harm can it do?
- I can do it in my bedroom so no one gets to see my flabby bits
- Think of my slim new body looking fit as walking along the beach like one of those chicks from Love Island
I went all out. I bought more leggings, I bought comfy sporty Nike trainers, a sports bra to wrap up my massive boobs, some weights to blitz those bingo wings and I was ready to do it. I was ready for every God dam level you could get me, that new diet, lose those pounds, watch as the weight fell off my hips, thighs, boobs and more and most of all, stop the snacking.
So here’s what happened…
You’re told by the lovely narrator you need to follow the diet, ideally to the detail and here’s what’s on the menu:
- Sultana and raspberry porridge: made with semi-skimmed milk
- 2 scrambled eggs and smoked salmon: served with strawberries and a satsuma
- 2 poached eggs: served with 1 grilled tomato on wholegrain toast
- Fresh fruit medley: 1 satsuma, 1 plum, 1 banana, 1 apple and a handful of grapes
- Home-made muesli: served with apricots, raisins, blueberries and skimmed milk
- Tomato omelette: made with skimmed milk, chopped tomatoes and basil
- Cooked breakfast: 2 poached eggs with 2 turkey rashers, 1 tomato and mushrooms
- Eggs Florentine: 2 poached eggs, steamed spinach, 1 small fruit salad, and 1 small pot of fat-free yoghurt
- Mexican bowl: 1 small avocado, 1/2 green pepper, 1/2 red onion, 1 chopped tomato, 1/2 can kidney beans, coriander and lime juice
- Vegetable soup: 600ml serving with 1 banana
- Grilled salmon fillet: served with salad
- Sweet potato and tuna salad: served with 1 apple
- Chicken and couscous: served with cherry tomatoes, raisins, olive oil and lemon juice
- Sushi: medium sized pack served with 1 banana
- Celery sticks and home-made Guacamole
- Carrot and coriander soup
- Fruit salad and yoghurt
- Dried fruit and nuts
- Frozen grapes and yoghurt
- Homemade banana ice cream and berries
- Smoked salmon salad
- Turkey skewers and couscous: served with 1 apple
- Grilled fillet steak: served with sweet potato wedges, 1 grilled tomato, salad and mushrooms (followed by grapes)
- Grilled salmon: served with 1/2 can mixed beans, spinach, watercress, mustard and honey dressing
- Grilled tuna steak: served with 3 boiled new potatoes, steamed vegetables, fruit salad and fat-free yoghurt
- Roast chicken: served with Mediterranean salad
- Smoked mackerel: served with mixed leaf salad
In all honestly, a lot of the above I wouldn’t eat. I don’t like tuna, avocado, Salmon and will only eat scrambled eggs if they’re done a certain way, so I had altered this a fair bit. I tried and I did mainly stick to it. It was going well, mostly, but a weekend visit from my mum and “you don’t see us everyday,” saw me sidetrack not only a little but a whole dam lot.
They’re not tricky, but if you haven’t jumped around in your bedroom since you were 14 years old listening to Backstreet Boys singing into your hairbrush, this is gonna be a problem. Whilst Scarlett and sweaty fitness guy (I don’t know his name, you’re not interested in his name only his sweaty torso) jump around to all the routines in a well-lit room with a super uncomfortable couch in the back and shitty music expected for a bad gym class, it’s not till you watch the whole DVD from start to finish that you realise you need to do 4 routines, 4x a week for it to work. All whilst I’m dying after the warm up and routine 1.
The exercises aren’t bad. Once you get into the routine of jumping around on the spot (make sure you have a good bra or you’ll be giving yourself a black eye), reach for the stars (climb every mountains higher), punch the air and all the kicks, you’ll get there. It’s not bad. But then you realise this is only really the start and there’s still 9 more bloody workouts to get through yet.
If you’re a mum it’s all achievable if you do it whilst your baby is small (not mobile), your baby is safely in a jumperoo/cot/playpen or over the age where they won’t crawl near your limbs. Emily has taken in mummy punching the air and has assisted me whilst I take on the upper body workouts and when I say assisted, I mean in her baby carrier on my front, working mummy in to a sweat pool and giggling in the process.
Does the fitness DVD work?
Yes, but only if you stick to it. Which I didn’t. I now use my DVD just for the exercises. After my mums visit back in May, I quickly fell back into the pattern of snacking. Most of the diet was filled with things I wouldn’t really eat and I found it pretty boring. I would have to cook an entirely different meal to Sam everyday which I found tedious and after a while, everyone in my family turned into walking Mr Potato heads. Not ideal when you want to lose weight and not be the next Hannibal Lector.
Whilst the DVD shows Scarlett in the beginning crying before the scales, I feel for her I do, seeing her instantly smaller after a few tummy crunches was irritating. I’d rather see her do all the exercises, eat the foods and over time (from first routine to last) change her weight, posture and figure. We all know she got here by having a fitness trainer which makes the whole thing retry shit to be honest. Stay-at-home mums, working or not, struggle to find the time to have a cuppa let alone squeeze in the time to shake their ass to a fitness DVD and I wanted to see Scarlett sweat, goddamit, sweat for her money and join us fellow fitness blobs as we take on this flab together.
Is it worth the money? Yes, it’s cheaper than a gym membership but you have to stick to it, diet or exercises if you want to see results. The overall DVD isn’t bad and it’s not Scarlett’s fault for her eyes seeing all the dollar signs, I’d do it too, if I were offered, but it’s the way it’s been made out that it was a quick and easy process to achieve such results. There should be a realistic insight into the realities of losing weight shouldn’t overdo it.
What’s happened since?
I’ve joined Slimming World. I finally did it. Look out for my review and my story as I join the many who measure their free foods, organise the syns in my daily life and step up my exercise. Oh, this is gonna get interesting. 😬