The birth brick wall 

brick-wall-coyote-o

Anyone else had or felt it? You know, the birth brick wall feeling? OK, OK, so it’s not an actual term used by anyone and I’ve Googled it and can’t find the right term for it, but it’s real, because I’ve asked around and it seems that I’m not the only one who is feeling or has felt it. It’s that moment when you can’t think of anything apart from the big day, the birth, the labour. I’ve asked friends, family and partners and many of them have felt the same. Before the few weeks countdown began, I could picture life after the birth. The moment when we saw her little face, the moment when Sam held her for the first time, the moment we brought Missy home from the hospital, the moment I rock her in her crib, the moment when she meets our family and friends for the first time. All of that was something I could picture before and although I can see it slightly, the only thing that constantly plagues my mind at the moment is the labour.

I may or may not be induced this week because of the Obstetric Cholestasis. As far as I’ve been informed by my doctor, midwife, consultant and nurses, I can’t go beyond my due date with OC as I’m high risk and the risks that are associated with the disorder can mean a whole host of horrid things that I can’t face writing. I’ve got 11 days till she’s due to arrive and in between that I could be induced or I have to carry on with the rest of those who are due next weekend and wait. Although now, I don’t want to wait anymore, I want her out, I don’t want to take 9 pills daily anymore and I don’t want to carry on knowing the unknown until she comes naturally or till the doctor decides now will be the time to break waters.

Missy hasn’t shown any signs that she wants to come naturally though. I’ve had a bit of lower back pain, but the weight of my bump that I’m carrying around it’s no surprise and I’ve had the period like pain a few times, not to mention what feels like her head butting my nether region on multiple occasions but with all that for the last week, there’s been no contractions and no baby.

At this moment in time, I’m not scared of the labour, I mean, I am, but until the day or hour I go into hospital feeling like she’s about to drop between my legs, there’s fuck all point me getting myself worried and stressed about something that I can’t and won’t necessarily be able to control. So many of my friends have told me different stories about the labour. Some have been horrific and others haven’t been that bad but at the moment, until I experience it for myself, I can honestly tell you I have no idea what to expect.

But here’s hoping the brick wall turns into a pretty shiny light at the end of the tunnel throughout however lengthy the process of childbirth will be.

Fingers crossed it will be sooner rather than later.

 

 

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