The all important question; ‘Does anyone want to be my friend?’ Some people don’t realise how hard it can be. Others think it’s as easy as 1,2,3. But it’s not. I’m in an area where most of the locals tell me to trust no one, good luck meeting people and I’ll apparently make plenty of friends when my baby arrives. But until then, I’ll spend a lot of time on my own, leaving Facebook to one side so I don’t see my friends getting on with their lives, trying endless apps to meet new people with no one actually interested in meeting you, having just your mind to play with and really just your baby who kicks away to speak to. My thing used to be going to the pub to have a glass of wine and meet people, but I don’t drink now, and people aren’t as interested as you’d think they might or say they are. There’s no groups around Ramsgate to meet new mums-to-be, there’s no one really that is interested in making new friends, no matter how much they may say so on particular apps and when some people have time off, they forget or are too busy. I hope it changes when she comes along, I really do. I’m driving myself insane here.
I even got a pub job, to get me out of the house, to make friends, but all the people I work with are under 25 and have expressed interest that they’re not interested in anyone apart from their friends, uni mates and colleagues who are in their age group. I’m still learning the area, trying to get my bearings, trying to get used to having a blog to write my feelings down, friends in London only wanting to message on whatsapp, boyfriend saying it will get better when she’s here and not losing the plot. Anyone who’s anyone who’s been pregnant must have felt lonely at some point in their pregnancy. It’s supposed to be this magical awesome journey, surrounded by people who encourage and wish the best, and parents who’ve been there, done that and got the t-shirt. Instead, my BF thinks I’m overthinking it, so most of the time what I’m thinking I store in a locked box in the back of my head, with the key thrown out to sea. He doesn’t get it, he’s not the one growing a small person so why would he understand? One mention of me feeling lonely, he’ll generally dismiss it as me being hormonal and to stop it or I’m in that mood again.
Our bodies change in so many different ways when pregnant, faster than the healthiest of dieters, separating us from those woman who haven’t been through pregnancy themselves. I get so excited than she’s moving more, that my skin raised a little the other day and thought I’d share with a few people. My sister instantly dismissed it, my best mate said it was sweet, probably couldn’t see it and my BF at first said he couldn’t see it then when shown actually said “Is that it?” People don’t understand the strain us women take developing a mini me and keeping a sane mind intact as well. I go out for daily walks to freshen my mind, get me out from the four walls, sit in cafe’s or shopping malls, meeting no one but just to hear the chit-chat of others, be the ear to each and everyone’s daily disaster but only giving mental feedback so not to cause offence. Once was the me of being able to strike up friendships in seconds, now I can barely make am acquaintance let alone a friend, just have to push most of my anger, upset, tears and more to one side so he doesn’t have to hear it.
I’m fed up on people saying it will change once she’s here, that it will be different when she arrives, that I’ll have something else to take my mind off of being totally alone, that everyone will want to be my friend then, that I’m just feeling lonely because it’s a new area, that it’s like that in pregnancy, ‘good for you Dan that you moved to a new area, I couldn’t do what you did’ or ‘I’m so proud of you.’ All that malarkey. It doesn’t say much for anyone really that once my baby arrives, that’s the only time people are interested.
All the blogs, advice, apps, websites and everything out there suggests all the same when pregnant, ‘get out there and meet people with the same interests.’ What they don’t tell you is this only works in some areas, mainly cities or larger towns where this kind of thing is available. Plenty of times I have pondered the idea in my head that maybe I’m feeling depressed, but those who I’ve spoken to about pregnancy make it their absolute mission to tell me just how fucking fantastic their pregnancy was or is going. I love being pregnant, so that’s not a worry here at all, it’s the constant loneliness in an area that is new to me. I find sticking to my bedroom with my laptop, phone or a book to keep my mind entertained daily and for me that’s probably a huge factor in my pregnancy dragging and feeling like eternity. I’ve got 15 weeks to go, yet I feel like I’ve been pregnant for years on end with many more to come.